The Battlefield
White skies flood with grayness
graceful air begins to mature
aggravated weather approaching
rain drops turn erratic
heavy rain turns hardcore,
Blackness struck by electric purple
neon strikes utter – bolts to the floor
roof-tops thrown from houses
wreckage littered empty streets
battle field stories, memories of war,
Gun shots replicated – bulleting decay
fearless winds throw out disaster
shrapnel flaring cast in mid-air
to hide and seekers dismay,
Trenches carved by uprooted trees
groggy water cascading beneath
soldiers lay proud with heroism
among murky graves
legendary soldiers, rest in peace,
Its victorious.
© Andrew Lockley 2008
🙂 && This one is really good. Wayy better than mine. I would love it if you gave an opinion on mine(: the people i know write poems elementary, and mine probably are too lol but I’d apreciate it if someone on your level gave an opnion on mine and how to fix it (: idk if u read it on yahoo answers thing buy my fav of mine is..
Like a Cloud
I’m like a cloud,
So untouchable and faint.
Ways so majestic and filled with wonder,
Yet very quiet and quaint.
Form slowly evolving,
Into an unrecognizable shape.
The contrast makes through a shinning light,
Shown through just enough for the darkness to escape.
Each puff with holds beauty,
And a deep insight.
Such an innocent bliss,
Glowing so bright.
It makes you want to stop and gaze,
At the intuitive presence.
You think it has gone astray,
Really it happens to be omnipresence.
Now that it has transformed,
It is time for it to move on.
This wont be the last you see it,
As a matter of fact, you’ll see me at dawn.
Reply to Victoria:
Yes i like your poem its a great subject, considering clouds are basically everywhere. I like how you said its untouchable and faint but maybe i would have wrote about how the shapes of clouds could be recognized into whatever you see them as e.g. animals.
Also im really happy you liked my poem i did have to change a few things to get it to sound decent plus i like how you said ‘someone on my level’ hehe i am only 16 years old 🙂
x
This one is my absolute favourite. I can’t tell you how fantastic this is. It’s mainly descriptive but you’ve painted a really powerful picture with it. I really like how you brought out so many colours – “grayness”, “electric purple”, etc.
“Gun shots replicated – bulleting decay” – that line was truly captivating. I’s sorrowful but it would also bring about a lot of different emotions.
It ends really nicely, and it’s amazing how you’ve shown like a sweet kind of sadness there.
You’re very talented, you’ll go far 🙂